Self-pity is never a healthy object of our obsession, but for me is it especially bad as I tend to wallow in Ben & Jerry’s – half baked. Anyway. Today was really rough. I’m emotional and feel like I’m drowning. Coming to terms with James’ illness has brought me to a valley that seems to get lower and lower. I know I’m a fraud when I talk to people because I need to fake it until I make it. I don’t let people in to know how much I’m struggling – and I really don’t think they could understand. I also don’t think they want to talk about it. Reality is ugly. I think the only people who could understand would be people who are also in a marriage that has a chronic illness. It certainly is a storm of life that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I want to be selfish and demand that someone takes care of me for a change. I want someone to come along side me and say “Hey, it’s okay. I understand it’s hard. Here, let me take you to lunch. We can talk about it.” Also, self-care seems hard to impossible when you have someone else who needs practically all your time and attention. I have spent a lot of time the last two weeks angry at God and asking him why He seems to completely ignoring my prayers. It’s especially scary for me when I am praying that James will just be able to go to work the next day, and then he can’t. I live in a constant fear that he’s going to lose his job, and how will we manage? And it makes me angry. “God, why don’t you do something?! Why are you ignoring me? Why do you keep telling me ‘no’?” And then I think I sound like a selfish brat who needs an attitude adjustment. I just really wish there was someone who could see into my life – without me having to say it, or explain, or complain – and come along side me to support me.
I’ll be better tomorrow.